I’ve been feeling a little melancholy and a little stressed the last few days – not for any great reason that I can put a pin in, but there it is. There’s lots of little things – any one of which is easily brushed aside, but its days like this where they all add up that are a little more difficult to keep on top of.
Jo’s not been well – a migraine that’s basically lasted nearly a week on-and-off and my hand continues to occasionally feel like there’s broken glass scrunching around inside it (though not often enough that I’m rushing down to see the doctor – for now I’m making sure that I’m sitting properly at my keyboard when I’m here.)
Maybe its the grey weather, or the faint worries about money that always float around when one or the other of us are near the end of a contract. Even though I know we’re in a better position even than we were this time last year, there’s still those teeth-grinding moments where we wonder about rent and utilities and food. The irritating thing about that of course, is that there’s not actually anything that can be done right now that isn’t already being done. We’re being frugal to build up a reserve to tide us over, job hunting continues a-pace with Jo getting plenty of interviews for all sorts of interesting roles, and of course we’ve still got a couple of paychecks to go before its even really an issue.
Its just that insidious and slightly corrosive worry about things that might be happening as opposed to just getting on with what needs to be done now – in some ways its like a reverse-procrastination, getting busy and worked up about things that can’t be done yet. Maybe that’s what’s irritating me – that awareness that I’m winding myself up about things I can’t yet do anything about because of the effect I can see its having on Jo.
Its daft – and I’m hoping that writing it down and getting it out of my system is more useful – if only so I can look back on it in the near future and wonder what I was getting so worked up about?
I do wonder if part of this is the come-down from the adrenaline rush of getting prepared for the wedding – an event which has pretty much dominated everything for the last couple of years. From budgeting and planning to the contingencies and last-minute flaps, it took pretty much every spare moment and every spare scrap of cash to pull off – and before anyone jumps up and down I don’t regret or begrudge a moment of it. We somehow also in the middle of all that managed to clear all our personal debts and make huge personal leaps in career and confidence – but as I look now at the pile of envelopes ready for posting out with all the thank yous and copies of photos on CD included, I think its starting to dawn that this phase is done.
I think its also enlightening that as people ask us how married life is, many of them are looking quite confused when we say “oh same as usual” – many of them forgetting that we lived together as flatmates before we moved in together, so unlike some couples there isn’t that weird patch of suddenly finding out all the bits people often hide from each other.
Indeed, as several people have noted, we’re rather more open and honest with each other than people expect – whether its in my continuing to banish Jo from the kitchen so I can cook, or discussions of the foul stench emanating from the bathroom after one or the other of us has used it, or even our battles for use of the consoles. Each of these and more make for fun conversations with friends and family, and I’d be lying if there wasn’t a mischevious element brought by both of us to these conversations with people when we see how far we can push the boundaries of belief.
Its all good fun, and its coming from the right place – one of trust and openness between us – and I guess its the best countermeasure to also sharing our doubts and fears with each other. Doesn’t make it any easier, but its a nice flip-side.