I have to be up in the morning. We’re off on holiday to Disney and as far as I can tell, everything is sorted and ready to go.

Our bags are packed, a friend has agreed to check in on the flat and water the plants (currently a crop of lettuces, peppers and tomato plants), our paperwork is sorted, and everything is paid for.

So why am I feeling despondent? I think it’s a combination of my usual trying to make sure everything is covered, and ‘knowing’ that something will go wrong. I’ve found myself surprisingly affected by the news of Robin Williams’ death too, which comes partly from his presence everywhere in my childhood and teenage mindscape of pop culture references and partly through recognition of the same struggles with depression and suicidal ideation over the years.

So there seems to be a morass of signals and confusions warping around in my head like radioactive slurry tonight. Perhaps there’s no better time to be off to Florida and the fantasia of Disney then.

It kind of feels like a kill or cure approach as I write this, but once we’re there I’m sure I’ll be swept along in holiday-mode, just like I was on Honeymoon back in November last year. The household has been ringing to cries of “Mickey!” all day, so I dare not be the sourpuss to spoil things, if nothing else.

So, I’m going to try settling my head now and get some sleep ahead of the drive to the airport. Here’s hoping this mood will have lifted in the morning