Things Lady M Says


One of the great joys in life is playing with words, stretching your vocabulary and finding new ways to express yourself. As someone who makes things up for a living, I people watch and keep an ear out for turns of phrase as a matter of course. Whether it’s stressed out mothers in the supermarket, foul-mouthed squaddies waking up after an all night drinking session, or bemused elderly gentlemen ensuring about computer courses, none of them measure up to the sheer glory that can be a discourse by Lady M.

In addition to her native English, she also speaks French, German, Arabic, and some fairly rusty British Sign Language. This can lead to some conversations taking place in a form of polyglot when she’s tired, ill, or inebriated. When she runs out of vocabulary in one language, she switches to another.

My great amusement though are those times when she stays within the English language and grabs similar words to make entirely new meanings to what she intended. With her bemused permission, I’ll be documenting a few here over time, possibly as a regular feature. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll even make a whole set of pages around it.

Today’s phrase: “It’s been a rough month with all the conditional shit in her life.”

Now, this could have been a reference to someone being penned in with clauses and conditions, but she quickly amended it to say that  “consecutive shit” was her original word intention; as in: bemoaning a series of disasters that had befallen the person she was talking about. Perhaps you had to be there.

Those who know her will appreciate the skilful way in which precisely the wrong words are used in every day situations on a regular basis that at the same time sound completely correct. She claims it isn’t a test to see who’s listening when she talks. I have my doubts.

A Record Broken

We officially doubled down on last year’s traffic as of yesterday, with the number of visitors equalling last year’s total page views. I’d better get thinking about how to get more useful things posted here for next year – even if its only to put up more of the Dungeons and Dragon posts and more fiction.

Ah, there are worse ambitions to have really. For next year I want to get back to posting something every day, even if its just a short bit of whimsical fiction fragment or something. If I can force my lazy backside into doing that and actually publishing some of my short stories via Kindle or something, I’ll be a happy lad.

Christmas Visitations

Boxing Day is coming to a close, and with it two days of feasting and merriment. Having been asked twice by people “Are you happy?” in the last couple of days, I have to confirm that the only fly in my ointment is the discomfort of having eaten too much, and the knowledge that I’ll need to lose a few pounds soon.


We’ve been able to treat people this year, and the memory of the expressions on people’s faces as they’ve seen their gifts is going to keep a warm glow in my heart for a while. I always take pleasure in matching presents well to people. I’ll go so far as to say I take pride in it; so the memory I have of my dad’s reaction to his gift is one for the books.

For over 20 years, he’s been in search of Johnny Walker Blue Label whiskey. I remember sitting in a pub with him while his best friend rhapsodised over this mythical drink that you rarely saw in the UK, except maybe in specialist bars and the sort of hotel that, as a parish priest, he was unlikely to afford to stay in.

Over the years the thought of this drink has taken on almost talismanic properties for him. When mentioned in conversation it would be with a wistful sigh and faraway look in his eyes, and the thought of owning a bottle became a bucket list item of sorts. With his retirement, the likelihood in his eyes of ever finding it seemed vanishingly remote.

This year, we stumbled across a supply in our local Costco. Even better, there was money off it as a promotion. Lady M and I looked at each other and agreed that this year would be the year he got his hands on a bottle. We were in a position to do this, and if not now then when better?

Although slightly tongue in cheek, I’ve never seen someone cradle and cuddle a bottle of whisky before. Absolutely made my year.


Yesterday was spent round at my brother Demonic’s place, with Lady M on driving duties so I could drink. (Lady P was with her family, and I’m not sure either set of relatives are quite in a place to countenance any other arrangement right now.) We were very well fed and watered with roast beef and seasonal vegetables cooked extremely well. We chattered and wove tall tales until Lady M started to develop a migraine, and made our excuses.

Today was our turn to play host, this time to my parents, the Charleesi, and the ex-Lady M. It was the first time they’d met in a good seven years or so – really since our marriage had broken down. It’s fair to say both sides were nervous, but we kept the food and drink flowing along with their presents, and soon enough you’d never have guessed there had been any kind of break.

The two Ladies M have plotted a gin night for next week; teasing of yours truly suggested passing me round to someone else for a trial period (not the first time Lady M has tried pimping me out), and plans seem to be being made for reorganising the flat again…

All in all, an amazing couple of days, and even better to come with Lady P having a night off tomorrow so we can have our celebrations together too.

Am I happy? Damn right I am.

At Last – A Break

And so the Holiday season has finally started – and I’ve finished my last couple of shifts at the Library. Now it’s time to relax with friends, family, and associated miscreants. Frankly, the timing couldn’t be better, giving us a chance to unwind and recharge our batteries.

Our Christmas tree is loaded with a mountain of presents for the people in our lives and our larder is reasonably well-stocked to provide for any guests. We’re very lucky, and especially with the struggles of the last few years we appreciate more than ever our ability to celebrate and share our fortune with those around us.

We’re particularly thankful, as we just learned that a good friend was badly injured in a car accident last weekend. We caught up with him today and have been greatly relieved to see him in good spirits. He may lose the sight in his left eye permanently, but the surgeons have tried some new procedures that give him the chance of at least a partial recovery. For the time being we have been making as many pirate jokes as possible to celebrate his new eye patch.

Lady M meanwhile is recovering from the effort of travelling up and down the length of the country yesterday to deliver presents and check in on her family. It’s just as well she did it then with all the traffic chaos reports currently showing in my news feeds.

In other news, Lady P is doing a charity stream on in support of NOFA – so if you get a chance to dive on, go have a look, tell them Ludd sent you 😉



Suppose We’d Better See THAT Film

Keep Calm and Use the Konami Code
Keep Calm and Use the Konami Code

We’re off out tonight to see the new Star Wars film, so I won’t need to avoid spoilers any more. To be fair, it’s not been too difficult between the general cries across the internet to generally not be dicks and my avoiding most of the usual sites that would be discussing it. I also generally don’t go anywhere near Reddit (not for any particular reason, it just hasn’t really caught my imagination)

Reading that last paragraph back, you’d think I wasn’t really a huge fan – which really isn’t the case, it’s just that we’ve had so much going on that we’ve not got round to it yet. Friday we were just generally shattered from work, Saturday we were out on a pub crawl with the ex-Lady M’s brother for his birthday, and Sunday we got our wires crossed and ended up Netflixing rather than going out.

That said, on Sunday we also had the Charleesi come round for the first time in a couple of months so we’ve been hearing all about her Saturday job and her new-found appreciation of the joys of working in a customer-facing job.

So, we’re off out tonight once Lady M is home and we’ve eaten. For now, I’m sitting here and watching the Charleesi slaughter her way through Halo5 Multiplayer while we mutter about the lack of split screen. (No, we’re never not going to complain about that 343)

An Uncomfortable Night

I’ve been watching more Jessica Jones on Netflix and now I can’t sleep. It’s bringing up all sorts of ghosts and making my skin crawl, but its also a riveting drama. I just have to limit my viewings to a few episodes at a time. It just hits a bit close to home.

In the meantime I’m also worried for both Ladies M and P as they deal with various odds and ends. They’re stronger and braver than they sometimes give themselves credit for, but we can’t help worrying about the people we love can we? I can just be here as they need and let me, and try to keep my insecurities and catastrophising to an absolute minimum.

On the positive side we’ve got the Charleesi staying with us for a couple of days, so I’ll see if I can tear her away from her studies from time to time while I have a few days off…

I’ll try writing something more dryly gleeful and seasonal later, but right now it’s a bit of a struggle. Grrr and argghhhh.

An Unconventional Family


If there’s one thing this week has brought to my attention, its that we’re an unconventional bunch. And that, you know, is okay. The world isn’t going to end because we don’t send out Christmas cards.

What? You thought I was going to highlight something else? Please, that would be too easy. No, of all the things that have reminded me of my instinctive heel dragging tendencies, its been the receiving of Christmas cards through the post this week, largely from people we’ve seen socially recently.

Don’t get me wrong, I love cards and have fond memories of the yearly ritual while growing up in the vicarage of putting up string around the walls on which to hang the hundreds of cards that would come in from parishioners and family and friends. The problem these days is twofold.

The first is, honestly, laziness in an era of emails, messaging and social media. The second is the realisation that the royal mail  stamp is often more expensive than the card and envelope. This just feels wrong, and more importantly means we have to ration or prioritise our cards to fit within budgets.

Now, I’ll admit there’s a bit of cognitive dissonance going on there, as I look across at the mountain of gifts under the Christmas tree – we’ve gone, at first glance, a bit mad. In our defence though, most of the haul we’ve assembled for people has accumulated through the year and so its been lots of small expenditures rather than a spree.

Nevertheless, I’ll grant you it’s not the best argument but it’s all you’re getting. Any cards we do organise will be hand delivered this year. Told you we were unconventional.

Christmas Warm Up


It’s been a busy old weekend, with Lady M devastating all before her at her staff party on Friday, and my brother Demonic hosting his annual pre-Christmas bash on Saturday.

From what Lady M has relayed, there are now a number of people who regret asking her direct questions about our relationship with Lady P; and others generally in fear and awe after she broke up a fight that was kicking off at the end of the evening. It would seem that she was channelling a combination of Mary Poppins and The Terminator when she physically separated two staff members and threatened to box their ears. Phrases such as “You are bringing disgrace to the company, now go to your rooms and have a long hard think about what you’ve done” are alleged to have been heard. This tickles me somewhat…

She certainly seemed to have had a riotous night aside from that, and was sporting such a phenomenal hangover when I got home from work on Saturday that I was worried I was going to have to go solo to Douze this year. She of course claims someone spiked her drinks as she didn’t drink that much.

Lady M did rally valiantly though (possibly inspired by the frosty tone in my voice) and took on chauffeur duties so I could enjoy a few drinks and Demonic’s “not at all a dry run for the Christmas Day” roast dinner. It was great to catch up with the usual suspects, and the quality of cooking has me looking forward to the Christmas meal even more than usual.

That just left today for picking up some Christmas stuff in town, and a catch up chat with Lady P about how her first week of her new job went. Oh, and Lady M treated me to a copy of Fallout 4, so there’s a new threat to my productivity right there 😉

Well Hello


I got told a joke the other day that utterly relies on my knowledge of a song that apparently everyone has heard. Everyone, it would seem, except me – and so the joke raises a faint smile because I can work it out, but not the giggles that it seems to evoke in Lady M.

There are times when I’m proud of my ability to refuse to join in when culturally exciting things are announced. My awkward sod mode joins with my bloody mindedness to dig in my heels and deliberately not make any moves to remedy the situation.

I will now share the joke with you so that you too can gauge your disengagement from pop culture moments:

Q: Why did Adele cross the road?
A: To say Hello from the other side.

Dearie, dearie me…