Ah Buggeration

Bear with me, the switch in my head that allows me to be a positive soul has flipped and all the little self-loathing lies are dancing round again. Bloody marvellous; hello self-doubt and the certainty that I’m not only the worst person in the world, but that I don’t deserve happiness and you’re all about to realise how awful I am.

Well that’s just fantastic. I’m self-aware enough to realise that these phantasies are a load of nonsense, and to hate myself even more for giving in to the urge to shout out about them. I’m sure I’ll have a few supportive messages as a result of this post, but trust me I’ll be beating myself up for drawing attention to my own stupidities; certain that I’ve just cemented your opinions of me as someone just looking for attention.

This is the horrible thing about mental illness. This isn’t a broken rib, or a head cold. There’s no easy way to recognise that this too will pass in the same way that I can have a reasonable expectation of a cut healing. This moment of despair, exhaustion, and paralysis feels like it won’t end. I truly hate this.

Writing about it here does help. It lets me order my thoughts and review them rather than wade through the maelstrom of fear. It always feels like it risks becoming self-indulgent, but a) that’s the illness gnawing away again, b) I’m writing a personal blog, we’re a little late to worry about that, and c) it’s a useful tool for surviving and tracking where I am.

I’m going to stop and try to sleep now. I’m safe enough because I have people in my life who care about me, and I’m not going to hurt them by doing anything stupid, no matter how strongly the thought batters against the shutters. I have Ladies M and P, the Charleesi, my brothers (both biological and adopted), my gamers, and of course the #Tuesdays crew to remind me: I am not as alone, unlovable, stupid, or worthless as I feel.

One thought on “Ah Buggeration

  1. WhoMe 09/01/2016 / 1:20 am

    It’s the worst part, agreed. Infuriatingly, CBT and the like always suggests that you arrest the cycle of anxiety or low mood by spotting the trigger, and then tackle it. Great, you realise the worry is unfounded. Or the feeling of being unloved is wrong. That stops it and you can get out of the cycle.

    But that’s not what happens! You spot it. You apply the logic. You know that x is actually e and that you don’t have to worry. Then you notice that as you say the switch is broken. The logic doesn’t work. Great – so what the fuck do we do now?

    Cue friendly CBT person giving you that slightly quizzical look, head slightly to one side.


    This rant was brought to you by insomnia.


    Liked by 1 person

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