I’m having a hard time of things at the moment, and have been for most of this week gone. It’s mostly come from being super-saturated with caring for those around me. With my mental reserves running low, my mood dropped and the lies my brain feeds me daily rose up with a vengeance.
These lies are that I am not worthy of love and care. That I will be rejected by everyone and that the people who haven’t yet done so are after something. Acknowledging people’s concern while I am in this state is doubly hard because on the one hand my brain rejects those concerns, but at the same time craves them. Worse, to acknowledge those expressions of concern feels a huge expenditure of emotional effort. It requires unlocking the very same emotional armour that is holding me together, just at a time when I’m not sure there’s anything more than undifferentiated gore inside the suit.
And yet six people this week have recognised the horrible head space I’d tripped into, and they reached out to express their love, care, and support for me. That needs acknowledgement and thanks to each of them, even though I’m still sure I’m not worth it.
So thank you to the Ladies M (past, present, and future), Lady P, Lord S, and my counsellor Lady V. Between you you’ve helped me remember to keep fighting and start on out the other side. I haven’t been in a safe place, but you’ve reminded me of things to live for, and how good it is to be bloody minded in my stubbornness.
For many people, that phrase usually appears in close proximity to musings about jet packs or flying cars. Occasionally it gets used in conjunction with reviews of 3D printers being used to make food of some description. For me, this weekend, it came with successfully using my Android phone to pay for my groceries in the local supermarket.
Yes, I’m aware that Apple got to market first. This isn’t about hardware or operating system preferences. This is about the memories evoked of playing Shadowrun and Cyberpunk 2020 back in the late eighties and early nineties. Amid all the guns and tech and imagery of sunglasses worn at night was a concept that was almost a throwaway line.
Cash was obsolete, and everyone had tech of some description to wirelessly transfer sums by touching devices. It even had the concept of prepaid throwaway “cred sticks” that weren’t tied to a bank account and were therefore relatively untraceable. Prepaid credit cards ring any bells for anyone?
It’s always stuck with me, with my antennae twitching when Oyster travel cards were introduced. I was interviewed for the job of project managing the introduction of Oyster across all London buses. I remember being told that the elimination of cash from public transport was a high priority. I didn’t get the job, but the statement stuck in my memory.
Fast forward a few years, and you now can’t use cash on London buses, but in addition to Oyster cards you can now use wireless transfer from your visa and debit cards, and now your phones. That strange Cyberpunk prediction is front and centre in millions of people’s lives now.
I’m actually a big enough geek to love the concept, despite everything. Will I be investing in an RFC-blocking phone case? Probably not as there’s not as yet been an issue with the cards in my wallet, but a sensible eye on the news may change that over time.