I’m having a hard time of things at the moment, and have been for most of this week gone. It’s mostly come from being super-saturated with caring for those around me. With my mental reserves running low, my mood dropped and the lies my brain feeds me daily rose up with a vengeance.
These lies are that I am not worthy of love and care. That I will be rejected by everyone and that the people who haven’t yet done so are after something. Acknowledging people’s concern while I am in this state is doubly hard because on the one hand my brain rejects those concerns, but at the same time craves them. Worse, to acknowledge those expressions of concern feels a huge expenditure of emotional effort. It requires unlocking the very same emotional armour that is holding me together, just at a time when I’m not sure there’s anything more than undifferentiated gore inside the suit.
And yet six people this week have recognised the horrible head space I’d tripped into, and they reached out to express their love, care, and support for me. That needs acknowledgement and thanks to each of them, even though I’m still sure I’m not worth it.
So thank you to the Ladies M (past, present, and future), Lady P, Lord S, and my counsellor Lady V. Between you you’ve helped me remember to keep fighting and start on out the other side. I haven’t been in a safe place, but you’ve reminded me of things to live for, and how good it is to be bloody minded in my stubbornness.