Things Man Was Not Meant To Know In The Biblical Sense

(As delivered to the Seventh Semi-Annual Symposium on Science and Sexuality.)

The problems addressed in this essay are those arising from relations between humans and non-humans, not-quite-humans and no-longer-humans. The problems break down into three categories: mechanical, technical, and psychological.

To begin with, the mechanical problems. When considering physical relations with non-humans such as monsters, mutants or aliens, the obvious question is: do you have compatible sexual equipment? Sometimes, it’s merely a question of scale. Consider the comical if not tragic image of Fay Wray and King Kong attempting to consummate their love.

Aliens especially can present problems in this area of mechanics. Some of them have completely different sets of genders. When faced with a race having three sexes, it can be difficult to determine if a particular relationship would be hetero- or homosexual.

Mechanical beings often have an advantage in this respect since they often come equipped with interchangeable parts. (Of course, some aliens also have interchangeable or variable parts as well.)

The second set of problems is the technical. This pertains to practices, preferences, predilections and, to be blunt, perversions. It’s a complicated matter of what turns on these non-humans and what they consider acceptable or perverse. The first part of foreplay is locating your partner’s erogenous zones and stimulating them. This can require the advice of a zoologist, xenobiologist or mechanic. And there are health hazards to be considered. Quite beyond the possibility of exotic social diseases, have you ever seen someone who’s gotten a hicky from a vampire? (I’ll wager it wasn’t during the day.) Have you ever considered the dangers of undressing a mummy? And let’s face it, aroused zombies tend to go all to pieces.

Finally, there are the psychological implications of sex. Just between humans of the same culture there are often misunderstandings about what sharing physical love implies. A proposition to or by a succubus or incubus can have literally eternal consequences. Some aliens are almost as tricky. A simple quickie can imply a formal intergalactic treaty – or war.

Some species mate for life. Others consume their mates. It is really best to research these matters carefully and thoroughly beforehand. The heat of the moment can become literally thermonuclear.

So how to deal with these problems? Who can deal with these problems? The Kinseys and the Kama Sutra are lacking in references. Freud and Doctor Ruth are not equipped to advise.

In these days of genetic engineering, space exploration and cybernetics, these questions become more common and more important daily. Many research centers and universities are funding Exotic Erotics programs. (In a dearth of actual non-humans, subjects are often recruited from various fraternities.) The modern mad scientist is the person to whom the lovelorn will turn. It is important, then, for the mad scientist to know what to do, where to send these helpless lovers. A shared database should be made to list the resources available. For mechanical problems, names of doctors capable of surgical adaptations and/or prosthetic augmentations and sources of medicines to aid transmogrifications.

For technical problems,suppliers and stores which specialize in xeno-erotica such as how-to books for Cthulhu-philes and other novelties. Finally, comprehensive texts, carefully cross-indexed and used in conjunction with training programs for social and psychological problems.

Love makes all of the worlds go ’round and it is incumbent on the mad scientists of the world to help it along in the coming age of the true sexual revolution.

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