It’s been a very long day. Nothing horrible, and mostly very productive, just long. I was supervising some new staff so that took a more active management and training regime than usual, and then I had counselling this evening as well. That’s taken a lot out of me.
Nothing like a discussion of whether my supporting people is a way of pushing away help to get you double guessing yourself in knots.
It isn’t, for the record, but that’s the type of day its been. Tomorrow brings the next episode of the DDC, so hopefully see you there at 7.30pm London time. I might even have written a plot by then…
We ended up not gaming this evening, but not for the reasons expected. Lady M has had a headache, myr s had a tummy ache, and so we were considering not playing. Then we decided to give it a go anyway.
Our collective pieces of technology decided not to cooperate. We had plugins fail, browsers crash, voice comms break down… so after 20 minutes we threw our hands up and started comparing notes about using Inkarnate and designing homebrew items for the game.
I knew today was going to be a pain when I got up and couldn’t put a t-shirt on properly, put both legs into one trouser leg, and promptly dropped the first thing I tried to pick up.
It hasn’t disappointed. Anything physical today has been blighted by clumsiness, causing more frustration that has led to haste that has led to more things either dropped or seeming to adopt a “sod you” recalcitrance designed to drive me further up the wall.
In the end this led to me having to climb into the communal bins to gather up the contents of bin liners that had split and spilled everywhere. So I’ve gone and had a lie down on our new mattress.
Tomorrow is my birthday, its going to be much better.
It’s all getting a bit real now. I’m due to take Lady M in to London later for a pre-op meeting with her surgeons ahead of this weekend – and the stress is starting to bite.
There’s a small part where this is due to driving somewhere I’ve not been before, but mostly all the worries bubbling up, even though generally we’ve been able to stamp on them over the last couple of weeks. Anything that does go wrong, we can’t do anything about anyway, at least in preparation. Anything that might go wrong, we’ll deal with if we have to when we know what it is.
That’s the healthy way to approach things, but there’s still that traitorous voice in the gut, because of course there is. An hour, and we’ll be on our way.
I’m beginning to be convinced that my laptop doesn’t like me being creative, or doing any preparation for the game. Why? Because it feels like every time I go to do something it needs to install an upgrade or schedule a reboot.
Today I am grumpy, aching, sleepless, and in pain. To add to the fun my laptops have both decided that today is a good day to update and reboot everything sight. My back hurts, my knees hurt, and I now have… two hours to prep a whole new scenario for the game tonight as we have someone unable to make the one point five shot. There will be a lot of winging it this evening.
I love the Great British Public, even when I could cheerfully be very rude back at certain individuals. I’m so proud of my restraint and professionalism this afternoon that I had a twenty minute rant about the incident during counselling this evening.
I had a young man come to the door and ask to use the computers. When I said I would need to book him in because we have to log people for track and trace purposes he started on a bizarre ramble about how it was time to stop with covid now. It wasn’t that bad and was now being used both as a method of control and a smokescreen to distract from Brexit.
I’m sure, while you unpick all that, you’ll be amazed that I limited my response to a brief statement that I would not be entering into any discussion about it with him and sorted out the access he needed.
I then had to send my Saturday staff elsewhere as he started creeping on them, and had to have a word about boundaries with him.
Repeat after me: the common sense of the British public will get us through this.
We had planned to have a very poly Christmas this year, having our first Christmas together in the almost three years we’ve been bumbling along. Oh well.
I was going to go pick up myr s, the cub, and Lady W as metamour in chief on the evening of Christmas Day. That way they could enjoy a family meal with myr s’ father and Lady M and I could have a quiet morning to ourselves. A quick dash down to Portsmouth and back in the evening and we could then have a few days cosily in our flat. In line with the then-restrictions we would also be able to welcome Lady B during that period and have a table-top dungeons and dragons extravaganza.
Because that’s how we roll.
Instead, I am now busily making up details for that one-shot game to convert for Roll20 and our usual Sunday Twitch slot. No pressure or anything, I had been planning to largely wing it for the table but now I need to at least draw some maps. I’ve even written a four part structure for the characters to completely derail.
So, there will be other Christmases, and certainly plenty of other opportunities to get us all together again, no matter what coronavirus throws at us. For now, we’ll stay safe and do our bits to keep others safe.
Do you ever get those gut feeling days where getting out of bed doesn’t appeal? That was me this morning, and while it wasn’t horrific in any sense it was busy.
It was also filled with Sod’s Law moments: like having to reset the fuses for the lights when i walked in to work, or having to change libraries to support someone when bank staff didn’t turn up for work, or a colleague telling me she was having such a stressful day that her period had started as soon as I walked through the door – with her eyes doing the flickering dance of someone whose brain is catching up with the words just after they’ve left their mouth and is considering digging a deep hole in the floor.
So we got on with the day, as the only sensible way to move on from the moment, because there was a lot to do.
So, as an antidote to that, here’s the film clip I recorded for Libraries Week on Saturday:
There’s a lot going on at the moment, both physically and mentally, and I’m having to be very careful not to overextend myself in being supportive versus taking care of myself. I’d love to be up late each evening supporting myr s on their Twitch gaming, but I need to manage staff and multiple libraries too. Likewise I need to manage my health so I can properly support Lady M.
Sometimes, like this evening, that leads me to feel equally guilty for allowing myself to worry and for keeping worries under fierce check. It’s exhausting.
Hopefully myr s will be in a position to move in sooner rather than later. Hopefully Lady M’s general health will continue to improve. Hopefully the inroads on getting myr s counselling support will continue successfully. Hopefully I won’t have to continue growling at staff and public too often.
Its one of those nights where I’d like to take a break and be hugged for a while, but everyone is either asleep or apart from me. I’ll be fine, just blowing off steam.