letting off steam

Nearly The Weekend

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I was enjoying my Friday and then realised it was a Thursday. Its an old joke but I have no shame and used it in a conversation today. It’s been another full day. Thankfully it’s mostly been a positive day, but between negotiations and outreach, with a side sprinkling of mental health first aiding and worrying about the boy s it has drained me.

I’ve been sitting quietly, trying to shed the load off my shoulders, and waiting for the top of my head to stop feeling like it has peeled open. Watching a film and paying Destiny hasn’t done more than briefly distract me, so now it’s time to see if sleep can hurry up and catch me unawares while I meditate.

That would be nice. See you on the other side for Friday Part 2

One of Those Days

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It’s a measure of how full and overlapping of events today has been at work that the first message I read when I switched my phone on was someone letting me know that one of my staff had had a bereavement. I puzzled over it on the way in to work and it wasn’t until I spoke to the person mentioned that I remembered we’d talked about and sorted it last week. Overlapping and intertwining meetings then dominated the rest of the day, often at short notice

Oh, and boy s was given notice to leave his rented flat as its been bought and the new owner presumably wants to do it up and rent it out for more money. He knew it was on the cards, but still a nasty shock to have to sign for delivery of the notice this morning.

All in all, most people today that I’ve spoken to have had frustrations or unexpected obstacles materialise. Tomorrow, as they say, is yet to arrive.

My eyes are still aching and a bit light sensitive, so not much else to update today beyond saying that I’ve been enjoying the new Guardian Games event in Destiny – there are some rough edges but there’s some elements that are unapologetically tweaked for fun and spectacle in the special activities and its been a good way to wind down online with boy s and Lady B.

Spinning Plates

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One of the things that simultaneously delights and drains me is the number of metaphorical plates that I spin to do my job. Staff pastoral care, strategic partnerships, outreach, projects, building maintenance, performance monitoring, leadership, staff networks, events, and many more facets all require careful prioritising and switching. The satisfaction of things spinning and landing in place in the right order (more or less) is – to me – hugely rewarding. The downside is the worry and temptation to get lost in the contingency planning.

Having been off for a few days last week I was relieved to find most of the plates still merrily spinning or landing where they were intended. My team have picked up and dealt with things as needed – though there have been some issues that I’ve leapt to the last couple of days too.

For the most part this has been to deal with external events in the local area – and especially the impact on staff. I’ve also got an event tomorrow evening where I’ve agreed to speak: an evening at the Surrey History Centre for LGBT History Month. I am both looking forward to it, and also nervous. It will go well, it will be wonderful – but its still a performance and I’ve had limited time to prepare. What’s the worst that could happen?

Grump and Tech

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We had a somewhat shortened D&D session this afternoon, victim of both a series of tech issues on my side and various people feeling unwell. It left me feeling quite down and upset with myself. I was even, dare it be said, a bit grumpy, and it was the type of grumpy where no matter how helpful the incoming suggestions were, they were not received well.

One very reluctantly undertaken rebuild of my laptop installation later, the system seems to be cooperating and running a little smoother, but damned if I can see what difference there is. Maybe there was some corrupt driver or configuration that refused to be overwritten in app reinstalls or something. Whatever it was, the near-nuclear option seems to have helped for now – and we’ll see what difference it makes.

Alternatively it could just be that my bad mood and frustration was freaking out the local electronics, because that seems as good an explanation as any.

At least writing this is a good way to close out the day and test connections and migrated login details and all the minor aggravations that accompany such things. I can go and try to get some rest shortly, and maybe even wake in the morning with some degree of refreshed approach to the universe. Hopefully it can be a quiet day where I can get on with paperwork and wrap up loose ends before the next round of fun and chaos.

As an added bonus, here’s a random snowy and abandoned temple I made up to test that Dungeon Alchemy had reinstalled properly. I’m putting it under the general label of “miscellaneous battle maps” as I have no immediate plans for use. Looking at it, I can immediately see a couple of settings changes I need to make around the bordering blank space around it, but that’s just my preference.

Overhead view of a semi-3d perspective map of a rectangular set of ruins in the snow. Trees and bushes surround it, and there looks to be a tent set up in the middle of the ruins next to a couple of torches

The map is designed for a Roll20 VTT, so the usual zip file of original map, exported jpg and text file with dynamic lighting details is included – snowtemple.zip – have fun, and as usual if you make use of it, drop me a note and let me know what encounters you’ve used it for

A Long Day

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Every now and then, a day comes along that throws all previously presumed plans out the window. Today was one of those, and I focused on trying to tackle various building issues directly affecting the public.

It always feels more frustrating in these cases if there is no quick solution. Simple solutions sometimes take longer, especially if you’re intending to not create even more issues in the solving. Even though the day has ended up with moving things in the right direction, I know that my name will be cursed in the short run.

I accept that as an occupational hazard of being a manager. I’ve made decisions and given advice today that was not what some people wanted to hear, but that’s partly what I’m paid for. It doesn’t make it any nicer for me on a personal level, though, as I prefer to have people being happy as they work for me.

Still, it will mean a better situation and service for our customers when everything is resolved – that won’t require backtracking and bureaucracy to unravel so we can then get back on track.

I do love my job, dearly, even on the draining days like today.

Brain Lies

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In todays list of things my brain decided to turn into a storm in a teacup was a quick spin on the existential mortality trap of comparing where I am now with what my father was doing at my age. This was duly mixed with an unhealthy dash of “how am I 50?” and a selection of general inflated perceived inadequacy.

Then I shook my head, got a sense of perspective, realised I was feeling gritty from the heat of the day and therefore uncomfortable in my own skin, and had a good hot shower which helped immensely.

Nice try brain. Not today.

Datavore

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I came up with a new word to describe how Lady M interacts with the world: datavore. If there’s information, she has to have it – from reading the labels of parcels in the foyer, and peering over shoulders at social media or messages, she just can’t help herself.

Show her a message, and without thinking she scrolls up to see what came before. When challenged she says she’s looking for context, or “just in case it’s important”

As someone who has already filtered and positioned a piece of information for consumption, or who has put the start of the relevant information or story front and centre, it therefore never fails to make me clench my teeth.

It isn’t a worry that anything compromising may be seen, it’s what my brain identifies as disregarding the effort made to consciously present information – like someone wanting to see the unpublished cards in your PowerPoint presentation while you’re in the middle of starting your presentation.

I know she can’t help it, and that her entire being is dedicated to gathering information at all times like a sponge – but I may have to start keeping an old copy of Private Eye rolled up and to hand to lovingly boop her on the nose next time it appears at my shoulder…

Either that or arrange to have something truly strange on my screen the next time she looks

One Foot, Then Another

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I had to make a small confession today to boy s, and that was to let him know that I hurt myself during my anxiety meltdown the other day. In my distress I dug my nails into my left arm and back of the hand and raked at myself.

It’s a very dysfunctional grounding technique that I spent years getting rid of after I became very ill about twenty years ago. I’m deeply annoyed at myself for doing it again after all these years. At least it has only left me with scratches, and in this heat and humidity the itch of healing is irritating enough.

Being a Monday, I’ve also had work to distract me, so I’ve started back as I mean to go on, and done my best to balance myself while also supporting my staff. So far, so good. The irony of recommending EAP support for other people is not lost on me.

One foot, then another, then another, repeating as long as needed.

Recovery

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I’m doing better today. This morning I was still a bit hazy and jittery – and various muscles felt like they’d been locked in struggle most of the night so that’s been fun in this heat.

In general then I’ve not felt able to socialise and my weasel brain has of course grasped on to that as another failure on my part. Objectively I know that it isn’t. Battling guilt over the strange turns my brain takes is difficult but it is part of being, well human.

Part of growing up with my background included a stoic mindset and reaction to what life brings. Not complaining but just getting on with it played a large part in the models around me, and while that is largely helpful in keeping my wits about me, it does bring its own stresses.

Being stoic in uncertain times lets me be a beacon of calm for those around me. It also fuels a leaning towards life as a service to those around me that I sometimes struggle to keep in a healthy balance. It’s something I’m actively prodding in my current counselling sessions. Anxiety over not meeting my own impossible standards is nothing new; kicking associated guilts into the long grass is a newer fight.

Well hey, isn’t self awareness a fun rollercoaster?

Brainstorm

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I’m having a bit of an uncomfortable afternoon inside this skull of mine. As you probably already guessed that means its very chaotic in here right now. I’m not entirely sure why and part of why I’m writing this is to try and get it down out of the lump of rarefied gelatine in my head and down on paper where I can see it and try to nail it down a bit. The anxiety and random flashback images started while we were driving home this afternoon from a quick trip to Kingston. The Hampton Court Garden Show (or whatever the official name is) was kicking out so the traffic was horrendously backed up and stationery as we queued, music played, and blessed air conditioning kept the heat at bay.

And then the anxiety came out of nowhere – with snippet scenes from childhood, school, work, previous relationships all vying for attention and overlapping. Random thoughts about empathy, remoteness, connections, the masks worn to deal with situations all started crowding and even now I’m home now and sat on the sofa with coffee and laptop I’m finding pinning thoughts down like stabbing inside a cloud – or there being an open hole at the top of my head where emotions and concepts, and focus keep bubbling out and swirling like a fountain.

I don’t know if its my mental health having a moment, or that I’m just more aware of how oddly my brain processes things and the disruption to my planned journey has tipped me sideways – yay possible autism brain, thank you. All I know is I’ve needed a big hug from Lady M, I’ve ripped and clawed at the skin on my arm and the back of my hand, my eyes feel like they’re burning, and there’s a remoteness behind those eyes disconnecting me from what feels like a screaming storm in the next room.

I was due to have counselling tonight as well, but that’s had to reschedule – maybe that’s another element but its not a reaction I normally have to changes of plans on that front. I’m up to date with my medications, and even picked up renewed prescriptions this morning. We spent a fair bit of money in Kingston, but well within my anticipated budget – and there’s also the satisfaction of having both got some great reading material but also sorted out some presents for people’s birthdays and Christmas. I did get a copy of a letter back to my GP saying he hadn’t given the ASD team enough information for them to make a decision, so I feel I’m going to have to do some chasing on that avenue.

In the meantime I’m clenching my feet and fists repeatedly, resisting doing any more scratching (and the stinging now filtering through is also uncomfortable but at least I haven’t broken my skin enough to cause bleeding.

Maybe that’s all that is – a confluence of multiple stresses that has hit some sort of switch and now I want to retreat/withdraw from everything and am panicking because I can’t define it or explain it because my spoken words can’t keep up with the torrent of thoughts, tangents, imagery, and emotional cross-links that are cascading through and ricocheting like bullets inside my brainpan. Its like my whole body wants to scream but using my voice won’t be enough.

This is very uncomfortable – but I do feel better for being able to put this into some way that someone can read – there’s at least this way of communicating even if anything else just freezes. I’m telling myself it will pass. I will find a distraction – I will write more, I will draw, I will put on a game, something.

It will pass.