I’ve noticed over the last week or so that I’ve developed a twitch in my lower right eyelid. It’s not enough to be visible, but there’s a constant pulsing that almost feels like there’s something in my eye.
I’m blaming it firmly on the citalopram, or possibly on the frequent anxiety attacks that seem to have become part of daily life. Talking to my GP and talking to other people seems to suggest a common experience of it being one or the other. If you see me rubbing my eye, it’ll be because of that, nine times out of ten.
My personal semi-joking conceit is that it’s a manifestation of the black dog, squashed and penned into one place by the medication. It’s not able to run roughshod over me, but it’s wagging tail can be felt, concentrated in that eye twitch just so that I can’t forget it is still with me.
There’s probably a story in there, but I’m not recovered enough to be able to grab inspiration and run with it yet. Small steps, and hopefully smaller twitches
I’ve been given some homework by my counsellor to track the occasions when anxiety rises and to try and identify the sources. The overall aim I expect is to show me that the excuses picked out by my brain are all minor things that are being boosted out of all proportion by my misfiring brain.
So far so good, if only to confirm the usual suspects of timeliness and situations that I cannot immediately resolve. Intellectually I know the anxiety is out of proportion to the triggers, but it isn’t particularly helpful at the moment.
The other complication seems to be a side effect of the citalopram that makes my skin crawl and makes me want to keep stretching and rolling the joints of my limbs – and that does seem to be making it more difficult to draw a line underneath the anxiety and depression.
Oh well, I’m seeing the GP on Friday, so I’ll discuss it then and see what options we can come up with
Work remains a challenge, which is no bad thing, but on top of adjusting to this week’s upped dosage… well it has felt like it has been a week of endurance rather than success.
The citalopram is now at 20mg – which isn’t huge – but I’ve likened the physical effects to feeling like I’ve drunk too much coffee. Sadly this doesn’t include any stimulant effect.
I’m sure it will pass. As a matter of interest I’ve been told that probiotic drinks help with the nausea, so I shall give them a try and see if that helps.
I’m on day six of taking citalopram, starting with a 10mg dose, and due to go up to 20mg for a couple of weeks on Wednesday. At that point it’s another conversation with the GP to see where we go.
So far the side effects have been some dizziness and a bit of a fog in my head – and a bit of nausea from time to time – but the good news is that it does seem to be taking the edge off the depression and anxiety.
I think what is really helping is that this time around I know what I’m dealing with and have far healthier coping mechanisms. I haven’t hoped that the pills will sort things out (spoiler alert: they never do), and have instead focused on trying to get on with as normal a life and routine as possible.
Well, not normal – stop smirking, I can see you over there – but you know what I mean.
Keeping busy seems to be the key to distraction, but at the same time I know I need to also not drive myself into the ground with exhaustion. Being kind to myself seems both a scary and difficult to achieve target, even though I know it really shouldn’t be. It’s something I shall continue to explore in counselling.
Anyway, so far so good, and if this helps someone unsure about mental health issues, or just needing encouragement, then all the better.