depression

Post Counselling Blues

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Brain and emotions are a bit wobbly this evening, but that’s not unusual after a counselling session where we’ve been metaphorically digging in the cellar. I’m left with a general malaise that will no doubt settle with some sleep and thought, and probably some contemplation for good measure.

Part of that has been an examination of the supportive “parental” (as per transactional relationship theory) role I spend a lot of time in versus being adult or even child – and how worn and tired that’s leaving me. This led to a lot of thought around history and upbringing and general formative experiences – and thus my current tired and needing hugs and care state.

A lot to ponder

Low Dip Moment

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I think it’s probably just a response to the healing my body is still doing, combined with a couple of days stomping around, but I’ve been absolutely drained today. I didn’t get out of bed until nearly twelve and then have mostly been making maps for dungeons and dragons, and watching videos while struggling to focus.

Reading it back, that sounds a pretty good day, but I’m still feeling lousy and have elements of “Well that was a wasted day” because my brain can’t turn down an opportunity to strap on thick boots and start kicking.

Never mind, I’m taking this all in to counselling shortly to pick it over. Think I just need the validation of some hugs – hugs solve many woes.

The boy s

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We’ve had a lovely quiet Christmas break mostly piled round the flat with boy s and the cub – a gentle gathering of most of the polycule. I’ve been quietly carrying on with doing largely D&D-related posts in the meantime and pushing out concepts that may end up being in one or more games in the months to come.

The boy started catching up on posts yesterday and wanted to have one all about him – a “gushing” post as he put it. I, of course, then put up a new Map post yesterday because I wouldn’t want him to think that these things are just produced on demand whenever the brat asks for one.

However, he has been fighting colds, bugs, and plagues brought home from school by the cub more or less non-stop since September. He is also starting to show signs of brightness and recovery from a serious depression dip that has nigh-on crippled his capacity to engage with the outside world.

Even if that were all that he had achieved, he’d be worthy of praise and support – and yet on top of that he has continued to raise an amazing son who has a fierce intellect and curiosity and who very much sets the terms of his engagement with the world around him.

The cub has had his whole world turned upside down over the last couple of years and yet has formed both a strong network of new friends, and leapt forward in academic achievements despite not believing he had the capacity to do so.

And he fiercely and unconditionally loves his father

How can I not love and appreciate someone who has managed all that? The boy s doesn’t see how amazing he is, despite having a wide band of people around him who care and enjoy his presence. He is passionate about his interests, and cares deeply about causes and people alike. Even in the depths of depression, his humour is pointed and evokes belly laughs – the the things he gets upset about come from his own sense of wanting to do better for others.

As he reads this, I know there will be a little giggle as I tell him he’s a dreadful brat. He will protest that he is, in fact, a wonderful brat and if I’m there he’ll try and flutter his eyelids at me and paste a gormless grimacing smile on his face – and if that isn’t just the most lovable thing I challenge you to pick out something printable instead.

I’ll just leave here, that he is a good boy.

Brain Lies

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In todays list of things my brain decided to turn into a storm in a teacup was a quick spin on the existential mortality trap of comparing where I am now with what my father was doing at my age. This was duly mixed with an unhealthy dash of “how am I 50?” and a selection of general inflated perceived inadequacy.

Then I shook my head, got a sense of perspective, realised I was feeling gritty from the heat of the day and therefore uncomfortable in my own skin, and had a good hot shower which helped immensely.

Nice try brain. Not today.

Weekend Gathering

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I’m currently stretched out in bed after a rollercoaster of emotions but all in good company. Lady M and boy s both had trainer appointments at the gym so it was a good excuse to make a day of it. I’ve been using gym visits this week to help get through muscular and joint pain I’ve had since having covid last week, so I also had a plan of attack. The cub wanted to swim.

With all the stress of this week, my mental reserves have been slender today, especially with the residual pains. It’s days like this where my partners rally round in support. Hugs and simple gestures, quiet moments and silliness all helped as we came and went from the table we were using as a base.

The space and quiet have been needed. This has not been a good week. This evening feels a bit brighter.

Late Night Musings

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My sleep patterns, between stress and Lady M’s snoring are a bit all over the place at the moment. Usually the act of telling someone that then leads to sleep arriving shortly after, but we’ll see.

I’ve finally got round to playing Watchdogs Legion and I’ve no idea about anyone else but I’m enjoying it. With an overarching near future dystopia setting it seems to be moving more freely in its storytelling and the shared universe with Assassins Creed has led to some fun Easter eggs in the return to London. I may even have to reinstall AC Syndicate.

Legion’s tongue is stuck firmly in cheek even in its drama, and I think that’s the appeal for me, even if some of the voice acting is a bit jarring in places.

Still, there are worse ways to distract from stress than have your character fly over modern London, sat on a cargo drone and creating havoc on the streets below.

No Time To Stop

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Another fast-paced week, and this week is so far balanced between recruitment and keeping the wheels on things while we transition through a major change of systems.

There’s a lot going on, and tempers are frayed sometimes; and yet we’ll get through it. I had a long chat with my boss this afternoon and had the reassurance that I’m doing well and that was something I definitely needed to hear. The black dog has been barking quite insistently the last few days.

Ow ow ow

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As is traditional, a few days after exercise, muscles are complaining bitterly. Sadly that exercise was my being violently ill so the painful muscles are the ones connected to my ribs and diaphragm and it hurts when I laugh.

Those who know me, will appreciate how much this is an irritation. I like laughing.

A lot.

And yes, that’s in no small part due to being very familiar with depression, which is always lurking in the background.

So, hopefully I’ll feel less tender in the morning and I can enjoy my day off.

Low Day

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I’ve been rough today, but it’s only been a blip at its worst point. There was nothing in particular that sparked it; I think the stresses of the last few weeks and being a carer while Lady M recuperates just hit saturation point.

As a result instead of things sliding like water off a duck’s back, I sank for a while. Cuddles and reassurance from Lady M helped hugely. Then she put the xbox controller in my hand and told me to shoot things in Destiny for a few hours – and that helped too. I’m a simple soul sometimes.

Other people on social media and via messaging also helped lift my spirits, as did some TV shows, and some graphics stuff that has ended up in both the RedBubble store and on Amazon as well. Links are in the menu above for each.

I’m still feeling a bit grey and subdued, but it’s not as heavy, grey, and brain fogged so, yay?

Cathartic Clearout

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I bought the first piece of new furniture for our flat since we finalised buying it: a standard lamp with shelving. It arrived today and I spent a quick twenty minutes or so assembling it – and then clearing a space for it to live.

This meant steeling myself to start digging into the huge piles of cds and dvds that had taken over a corner of the living room. Many of them were items I’d bought when I wasn’t well, and I compulsively bought a great many things at the time.

There are items we’re keeping, certain classics for example, and comedian sets, but there are many more that neither of us have looked at in ten, or in some cases, twenty years – so in the bin they’ve gone.

I could have sold them on in non-lockdown circumstances, but I needed them gone – and it’s been oddly cathartic to get rid of impromptu reminders of painful times. There’s still more to go through, so that’ll keep me busy spring-cleaning tomorrow.