I’ve not been capable of much today as I woke with a migraine, brought on by a combination of closed sinuses and general post-anxiety exhaustion (at a guess). So, that’s been fun.
At least I dont tend to get sick with it – I usually have light sensitivity, cold sweats, searing pain in the brain, stabbing pains in the eyes, and a fixation of some form of words or tune running on repeat very intrusively. This time around it was the opening piano loop to the Spice Girls/Slipknot mashup “If You Wanna Breathe My Sulfur”
You’re welcome for the link, by the way.
Fortunately it hasn’t lasted more than six hours or so and I’ve been catnapping the rest of the day and hydrating quietly. Back to work in the morning.
I had a chunk of memory fall out of the sky this afternoon and smack me in the back of the neck – which was already feeling stressed with my brain being in a weird space as it was. The chunk of memory was of being in hospital when I was first diagnosed with diabetes – or rather it was from a swathe of time early in the weekend that I just have not been able to reliably recall or reconstruct since all the excitement hit. This may be a bit graphic for medical type stuff, so if that upsets you please miss the next paragraph as it makes me squirm thinking about it. The chunk of memory seems to have been dislodged by reading an article today about a DJ who ended up in hospital with necrotising fasciitis.
I remember the fever and flu-like symptoms and my legs ballooning and turning red – I vaguely remember friends rallying round late night while waiting for an emergency appointment in the morning – I think? I don’t remember much beyond snatches of conversation, a blink of an eye and talking with a GP, then being sent straight to A&E. I do remember having at least one set of drips in – and my parents were there, and my being very concerned that something was even more wrong than the doctors knew. I remember that my legs were bound and wrapped in bandages, and yet as soon as I put my foot on the ground I was leaving wet dark yellow viscous residues on the floor in the shape of my feet – and I’m pretty sure the only reason I wasn’t shrieking was whatever painkillers were already in me. There was a sweet smell of rot – and I remember grabbing my dad as he was the nearest and saying – “All I can smell is rot, and I’m pretty sure its me.” And that’s the last I remember – at least until I opened my eyes with two surgeons standing over me and telling me they’d got my kidneys and liver working again, and did I know I had diabetes.
Sixteen years later, I still have very visibly dark scarring on my legs. I don’t know the details of what they had to do, but apparently they did it on the ward because there wasn’t any time left. We only really found out about what particular bug had decided to complicate the number of things that had all decided to go wrong at once by reading the charts and asking pointed questions. Apparently its the type of bacteria that lives for years in the body waiting for an opportunity to wreak havoc and could have been with me since my many bouts of tonsillitis as a child. No one knows, and frankly its not worth tracing back to find out.
My brain being what it is, I can feel and smell it all over again – even as a memory – as well as echoes of the pain, though that could just be the aches of being fifty years old joining in to spread the love. As I look down at my legs, it makes me ever more grateful both for the extra years I’ve had because of the swift actions of doctors, but also for the ongoing care of the NHS – even if it does sometimes feel like gentle bullying for my own good to keep me on the straight and narrow.
My brain has obviously decided that I can cope with this memory now – and perhaps its a timely reminder to not take anything for granted. I’m pretty sure my loved ones will say there’s little chance of my doing that – and that alone is something I’m grateful for.
Well it’s taken me a week and a bit of being off work but I’ve finally managed to summon the energy and organisation to get back the gym this morning. After a short night because I got lost playing a game yesterday evening it feels a bit of a double victory.
I can’t totally relax because the cub will be finishing school in an hour and a half, but I’ve time for a bite to eat and a drink.
Today has been a day of light sensitivity, eye charts, and pupils the size of saucers – that’s right, the annual retinopathy exam to check that diabetes hasn’t started eating my eyes yet.
From long experience, I know these exams knock me sideways for the day – or at least the drugs do. The exam itself doesn’t take long, being an eye test and then some photos of the back of my eye. What does take it out of me are the drugs that dilate my pupils and partially paralyse my blink reflex.
There’s a certain hallucinatory feel to how I then see everything for a good portion of the rest of the day. There’s a diffuse glow to anything pale, an inability to focus on detail, and a sense of nausea and vertigo that competes with an eyestrain headache and eyeballs that feel hollowed out before being reinserted.
So it’s perhaps no surprise that I went to bed, and slept a few hours before the cub got in from school. An early night for me I think.
I was feeling a bit at a loose end earlier today. Everyone was off doing things and I think the end of a packed week just had me at a low ebb.
There’s a stereotype that being poly means being in each other’s pockets all the time but if I’ve learned anything it’s the importance of both making sure that I am comfortable being in my own space, and embracing how important for other people to have that too. Remembering that felt difficult today, but I knew that if I got on with something it would help.
So I went to the gym, because its something I’ve not been doing as much as I’d like. And that helped. I have a routine that takes about an hour and includes a lot of cardio. With headphones on and an audio book playing that hour went quickly.
Combined with some time for a coffee and people-watching in the bar area later it definitely helped lift my spirits. Sometimes just plodding on is all that’s needed.
I can’t think of anything witty to title today’s entry, but basically life ticks on, work is continuing, and I’m filling a new notebook with pictures and scraps of story as a simple outlet in between planning things for the D&D group and spinning metaphorical plates at work.
I’m booked to talk to a GP on Friday next week, my blood pressure readings are all submitted, I think I’m due a new set of diabetic blood tests soon, and I’m feeling reasonably good in and of myself.
The D&D scenario? Think murder on the orient express but with only vaguely housetrained adventurers. This is going to end up like the restaurant scene in the Blues Brothers, isn’t it?
I’ve always been largely one to work from the head when it comes to processing things. It has taken many years of work and therapy to acknowledge that my gut feelings are usually pretty accurate. Having said that, when there’s something that needs to be mulled over its usually the cogs in my head that start whirring.
I’ve had various things rattling around the last few days, prompted by conversations and some introspection. It led to me doing some research on adult autism and taking a test provided by the National Autistic Society. The results indicate significant signs of my being autistic – but I am at the same time very aware that these tests are just providing an indication. It feels like it fits.
On balance, I think I’m going to be making a call to my GP tomorrow to ask for a referral – if only to get some sort of clarity.
After a more hectic than expected beginning of the week, Lady M and I have taken a leisurely wander to the gym to work out some of the aches and pains with a mixture of exercise and spa pampering.
I usually start with a half hour brisk walk on a treadmill as it gives me time to let my mind wander and eases my sometimes creaking joints into acknowledging that there’s work to be done. I’m finding it gets me into a positive mindset, but also that it lets me switch off a bit.
Today’s thoughts came in general as my gaze occasionally passed over the other people using the space. There’s nothing earthshattering in the thoughts, but I felt it worth acknowledging and recording that:
A) everyone, even the most chiselled and glowing among us, had to start somewhere.
B) most people using the gym are in their own headspaces and couldn’t care less about what I look like
C) it’s easy to see how people can get obsessed with measuring themselves against other people and the weights they use or the machine settings they are on.
D) The only person I’m measuring against is myself and the difference from where I started
It’s nearly a weekend, I think. To be fair it’s been another slightly hectic week between boy s falling ill and a variety of surveyors and engineers needing access at strange times to various buildings – all while covid continued to rampage through my staff.
So tomorrow/today is Good Friday, which at least as far as myself and Lady M are concerned is a Bank Holiday. If the gym is open, we shall take the cub with us so he can swim and frolic – and we will unwind on a variety of exercise machines and possibly dip into the spa. Rude not to use all the facilities available.
On the games front, I’m still mostly playing Destiny2 with boy s and Lady B a few evenings a week. I have also managed to recover my old GOG account so I have most of the old Bioware D&D games to rediscover on my laptop. I even dipped into playing Alpha Centauri for nostalgia this evening. I do have a soft spot for turn based games.
Oh, and an added bonus: Lady M has twisted my arm into taking some leave next week, so that’s going to do wonders for my blood pressure.
I had a call yesterday to come pick boy s up from work. A little matter of his not being able to breathe. So off we went to the hospital where I was able to park near enough to the A&E to not kill him with the walk to the doors, and he was duly whisked away.
Due to Covid I couldn’t accompany him, so I went back to work to focus best I could, and as the evening approached with no news began to ring to try and find out if there was any news – if only so I could update everyone and reassure the cub.
As it turned out, it appears to be late onset asthma, so they were able to stabilise him and after checking everything else they could, he was released back into the wild with an inhaler and instructions to talk to his GP
The cub responded by being as publicly bolshy and snarky as he could be, even while admitting privately to Lady M how worried he was – so that’s all normal.
Now we try to get back to some semblance of normality. Honest.