I’m trying not to climb the walls, mostly because I don’t have any energy and my eyes are hurting all the time. Last night sleep was broken so that hasn’t helped the lethargy today either.
For the most part I’ve been reading and trying to write and draw, but my heart hasn’t been in it. Instead I’ve been drawing together a wide selection of fellow geeks and oddballs so we can support each other online. A discord server is up and running, and we’re planning an online game of Cards Against Humanity for this evening. Even if that doesn’t go to plan, we now have a lively chat group all reaching out and supporting each other.
Good deed for the day, I feel. I’m currently deciding how apocalyptic I want to start dressing. It’s a bit damp and wet out there for full Mad Max-style leather and studs, but I’m thinking something a bit steampunk and dramatic.
I’m working in a quieter library this week, so while there are fewer people around it does still make for a reasonably steady rate of use, even with people starting to twitch about potential illness. I’ve had two people this week mention they’re stocking up on books to read if they have to isolate themselves, and our numbers for events are down. So far though the very British shrug is being deployed.
That said, I am looking forward to having the weekend off, especially as I’m going to go see myr s for a couple of days. Getting away and letting the sea air clear the lungs a bit is definitely in order – and it’s also the second anniversary of my collaring them so there are some small presents to exchange which is always fun.
At least I’m generally aware of what my body’s usual range of complaints is so I’m not panicking when my fluctuating sugar levels give me sweats, or my sinuses complain when I shift stock and boxes around, disturbing dust in the process. Here’s to as calm a weekend as possible.
There’s probably some wise advice out there about not blogging when you’re down for fear of alienating or terrifying your audience. On the other hand, the discipline of continuing to write while arguably not in the best of places is one that I find useful. I do try to monitor myself, but low swings have this ability to seemingly act like spiteful ninjas. They creep up on you and cumulatively weigh in to slow you down.
A useful visual metaphor comes to mind from the most recent Wolverine film from a couple of years ago. There’s a scene where the doughty fast healing hero is making his way towards a Japanese castle at the end of a street, being shot at by ninjas with bows and arrows. Cords are attached to the arrows, so while he shrugs off the initial barrage he is continually slowing down as he comes more and more to resemble a pin cushion. In the end, constrained by many arrows anchored by many people, he can move forward no more, and falls to his knees.
That’s kind of how this feels at the moment, with an underlay of anger for feeling like it in the first place. Combined with blood sugars dipping because I’m still trying to lose weight, and therefore eating less, and I’m more aware than usual of the need to bite my tongue as angry snark combines with despair so that I don’t hack off and push away coworkers, friends and loved ones.
So I continue to keep on keeping on, because I know that this is temporary, things will get better, and life is frankly too short to keep banging my knees.