Do you ever get those gut feeling days where getting out of bed doesn’t appeal? That was me this morning, and while it wasn’t horrific in any sense it was busy.
It was also filled with Sod’s Law moments: like having to reset the fuses for the lights when i walked in to work, or having to change libraries to support someone when bank staff didn’t turn up for work, or a colleague telling me she was having such a stressful day that her period had started as soon as I walked through the door – with her eyes doing the flickering dance of someone whose brain is catching up with the words just after they’ve left their mouth and is considering digging a deep hole in the floor.
So we got on with the day, as the only sensible way to move on from the moment, because there was a lot to do.
So, as an antidote to that, here’s the film clip I recorded for Libraries Week on Saturday:
There’s a lot going on at the moment, both physically and mentally, and I’m having to be very careful not to overextend myself in being supportive versus taking care of myself. I’d love to be up late each evening supporting myr s on their Twitch gaming, but I need to manage staff and multiple libraries too. Likewise I need to manage my health so I can properly support Lady M.
Sometimes, like this evening, that leads me to feel equally guilty for allowing myself to worry and for keeping worries under fierce check. It’s exhausting.
Hopefully myr s will be in a position to move in sooner rather than later. Hopefully Lady M’s general health will continue to improve. Hopefully the inroads on getting myr s counselling support will continue successfully. Hopefully I won’t have to continue growling at staff and public too often.
Its one of those nights where I’d like to take a break and be hugged for a while, but everyone is either asleep or apart from me. I’ll be fine, just blowing off steam.
Well, I was hoping to have a bit of a chilled weekend, given we’ve managed to finalise when Lady M is getting her MRI scans done.
No, instead we’ve had steady drips of water descending from the extractor fan which has then expanded to come out of a light fitting in the hallway, so I’ve turned off the light fuses while we wait for a plumber and swap out buckets as they fill.
On the plus side, while moving books and damageable items out of the way, we have been able to rationalise some of our old notebooks, and tidy the contents of the bureau. That’s been quite nice, to go through old journals and line up all the ones I haven’t used yet.
Something continues to be going very wrong in the arranging of MRIs for Lady M, which now leaves us in the position of feeling like Shrodinger’s patients twice over in terms of when a scan will take place and what is being scanned. If it wasn’t so serious, you could write a great farce out of it all.
As things stand I’m going to work tomorrow as usual and Lady M may or may not get an Uber to one of two hospitals for either one, two, or no scans. If that doesn’t happen then there may be an as yet to be determined number of MRIs on Monday.
No wonder we’re exhausted.
I’ll be working with the public as a rest from all this tomorrow. At least it will be a good distraction, whatever the day brings.
Lady M is in continuous pain, with limited pain relief because Ibuprofen triggers her asthma, and codeine triggers cluster headaches and thunderclap migraines. Paracetamol dulls her pain a little, but not nearly enough.
Fortunately her GP has now prescribed some good stuff that I’ll pick up in the morning.
Now all we can do is wait for the emergency MRI slot to become available. Lady M is at least able to sleep away from a ward – even if we have been advised to self isolate her just in case the MRI unit is having a picky day.
Meanwhile, the libraries are starting to reopen but I can really only spare cursory attention right now. My manager is being very supportive so I can focus on Lady M, and I am trying very hard not to feel guilty about doing so.
Are we worried? Yes, very, but we’re trying not to dwell on things until we know what we actually have to worry about.
I still have this trapped nerve in my left leg/buttock – though there is now a worrisome part of me that is considering whether it is actually diabetic nerve damage given the amount of pins and needles sensations in my left foot.
Everything is fine if I keep moving, but sitting down for any length of time then means that attempting to walk feels like my hamstring is tight and the core of my thigh aches when it isn’t dealing with hot and cold running stabbing pains.
Maybe this means its getting better? I can’t tell any more. I’ll give it a few more days before annoying a GP. I’ve still got good circulation and sensation in that foot, so its not like its going to fall off just yet.
I have a suspicion that the trapped nerve that has been plaguing me is sticking around for the long haul. Keeping moving helps even if it does feel like someone is trying to drill new hip sockets through my left buttock.
Still, if that’s the worst that I have to contend with I shall continue to count myself lucky as it is nothing compared to the murder of George Floyd and the pain and heartache surrounding and arising out of it. I’m horrified by the stream of violent images, but also heartened by the positive instances of support and solidarity too.
I am white. I cannot pretend from my place of privilege, even as part of the LGBTQ+ community, to know the experiences of the black community. But I can raise my voice in support, I can listen and put myself in places to help. I can challenge languages and behaviours I encounter.
I can tell more people are out and about again by the smell of diesel as I queue for the supermarket. Its surprisingly not from the carpark though – looking around me, that’s at about the same capacity and usage as it has tended to be over the last few weeks.
The carpark is, however, right next to the M3 motorway, and is closely boundaried by Staines Road West, which broadly runs between here, Staines, the Great West Road and the M25. In other words, a major multilane road. The traffic in both of those is noticeably heavier than it has been in months, and with it has returned the noise and fumes of diesel and petrol.
I’ve got used to not tasting the air when I head out, and now I’m feeling nauseous just standing still. I’m now wearing a face mask not as a Covid-19 precaution, but as an anti-pollution measure.
If I wasn’t already a miserable sod, this would be enough to make me one. Its amazing what we can get used to.
Not quite sure what happened to yesterday. There was sunshine, and reading on the balcony, but also bone deep weariness and flaking out on the bed for a good few hours.
Maybe its just lockdown getting to me, or residual anger burning out my reserves. Probably a combination of the two because I then couldn’t sleep for ages last night for wanting to angrily message people.
So, today is going to be more productive. I have character portraits to work on, so until my video conference later, thats what I’m going to get on with. Better to be doing something positive in all this.
Just one of those days – its a bit quiet, emails were few and far between, work planned for tomorrow is tomorrow, and a minor storm in a teacup incident is eating away at me far out of proportion to what it actually is – especially as its something that is generally solving itself.
My jumping up and down therefore seems unhelpful, so I’ve been killing aliens on the XBox instead, using the new controller that Lady M bought me as a lockdown “just because” present.
Its made up in the red/purple/pinks of the bi flag, and has a lovely solidity to its grip and play. She had it custom made through the Microsoft website and it arrived this morning.