Today feels a bit better than yesterday, which saw me make a grand total of 97 steps according to my phone. I’m still trying to get rid of head fog, but I’ve done the washing up, cooked lunch, hoovered the living room, and engaged with a few people online, at least in passing. I’ve even attempted, and will continue to attempt, to write. I’m currently editing through more short stories, aiming to bring them to around the 5000 word mark each as a starter. It feels like an iterative approach for these is helping, because I’ve actually completed the whole structure of them and can now flesh out and fill in gaps and leaps to even the pace.
So, today feels like I have a few more spoons.
One conversation I had yesterday pulled together a unified theory of cutlery that I’m sure some of you will have encountered as I’m pretty sure its not actually anything brand new. Spoon theory is about the parcelling out of personal energy to perform individual tasks across a day. These tasks can include social interactions, self care, household maintenance, and work. Fork theory is about the same thing, but is exclusively for helping other people – explaining how sometimes we have no problem at all helping other people with things while feeling unable to manage ourselves. Then there is Knife theory, which are spoons borrowed against the day to come to deal with emergencies, but which then lead you to eventually running out of energy and needing more time the next day to recover back to a normal (for you) operating level.
By that set of measurements, yesterday’s near collapse and today’s quietness is connected to low spoons and low knives, with a few forks rattling around from where I’ve been helping other people as well.
In the same breath, I can now confirm that within the DDC we are now referring to being unable to get out of bed as being trapped by mimics. Just roll with it…
Under spoons theory I’ve been borrowing against future days for a while and today all of those debts came due. As a result I have largely been either asleep, or playing some Destiny.
Collectively in the DDC everyone seems to be having one of those days and week too, so we’re giving it a miss today so we can all be antisocial. That said, Lady B and myr s are doing a joint twitch stream this evening based on Final Fantasy so I may tune in to watch that and fling the occasional tease into the mix.
I’ve been reviewing staff risk assessments over the last couple of days, checking how people have been coping with being back at work. Its part of an ongoing one-to-one process we’ve been doing as we get the libraries reopened to ensure that we are able to properly support people’s physical and mental health during this extremely unseated time.
I am very lucky that the people I’m managing are pragmatic and well-motivated. There are one or two who have needed more support than others for a variety of reasons, but without fail each person in the review to date has been positive and expressed a relief at how smoothly things have been going. For the most part everyone has been relieved to find that their worries have not materialised. Dare I say it, but we’ve even had smiles.
I have to say that I am exhausted, but its not from the day to day of the library. Instead we are still in limbo at home waiting on Lady M’s MRI, which we just learned was cancelled as the hospital accidentally discharged her when they let her come home. For some reason it is now up to us to chase and rearrange it so we can get a clear picture of what’s going on. Lady M is bearing up as well as you could hope for, but the worry is taking its toll on both of us.
For my part I’m just exhausted, all the time, and a bit numb when I’m not. Understandable really, but its not depression, its just what my counsellor calls over-saturation and I call running our of spoons. Catnaps and an early night beckon to rebuild my energy for tomorrow. And in the meantime I distracted Lady M with a new Funko that I knew she’d been admiring
I’m still exhausted from the last few days, and still seem to have a nagging pain thats either muscular or a trapped nerve. On the plus side I’ve been feeling a bit more creative, so I have some things to show for the day.
I had a bit of a double-whammy in the delivery of some replacement grey, black, and sepia ink pens in the morning; and then my digging out my venerable graphics tablet this afternoon.
The sketchbook image above is freehand line art drawn this evening while Lady M played some Assassins Creed. The other two are Photoshop enhancements of some pieces I doodled last year. I’ve cleaned up and added to them over the course of the afternoon.
And thats what I’ve done to settle myself a little after the events of the last couple of days.
Lady M is still recovering but seems brighter this evening, and has been answering good wishes and enquiries through the day.
Lady s was able to stay on for an extra day this weekend, and we had made plans to go up to London and introduce her to Forbidden Planet. However, having had a long couple of busy days across the weekend, lady s just wasn’t feeling up to it.
So we compromised, had breakfast locally, and I introduced her to the many charity shops in one of the local High Streets. Lady s is an absolute devotee of the bargains and oddities to be found in them, and it made for a nice relaxed afternoon to just potter from store to store, talking to the volunteers and being occasionally alarmed by some of the items on display.
I certainly learned more that afternoon about the nature and work of some of the local charities than I’d picked up in working in the area for a few of years, and between us we picked out a few treasures.
Thinking about it, it was a needed change of pace, especially with all the travel I’d done the previous three days. Frequent stops for coffee along the way gave me the pretence of being reasonably human too. Diving straight back to work the next day felt like a huge shock to the system – though that was more to do with having to talk certain colleagues out of their own states of panic.
Self care, everyone, if only so you’ve the reserves to help other people too…