I’m having a bit of an uncomfortable afternoon inside this skull of mine. As you probably already guessed that means its very chaotic in here right now. I’m not entirely sure why and part of why I’m writing this is to try and get it down out of the lump of rarefied gelatine in my head and down on paper where I can see it and try to nail it down a bit. The anxiety and random flashback images started while we were driving home this afternoon from a quick trip to Kingston. The Hampton Court Garden Show (or whatever the official name is) was kicking out so the traffic was horrendously backed up and stationery as we queued, music played, and blessed air conditioning kept the heat at bay.
And then the anxiety came out of nowhere – with snippet scenes from childhood, school, work, previous relationships all vying for attention and overlapping. Random thoughts about empathy, remoteness, connections, the masks worn to deal with situations all started crowding and even now I’m home now and sat on the sofa with coffee and laptop I’m finding pinning thoughts down like stabbing inside a cloud – or there being an open hole at the top of my head where emotions and concepts, and focus keep bubbling out and swirling like a fountain.
I don’t know if its my mental health having a moment, or that I’m just more aware of how oddly my brain processes things and the disruption to my planned journey has tipped me sideways – yay possible autism brain, thank you. All I know is I’ve needed a big hug from Lady M, I’ve ripped and clawed at the skin on my arm and the back of my hand, my eyes feel like they’re burning, and there’s a remoteness behind those eyes disconnecting me from what feels like a screaming storm in the next room.
I was due to have counselling tonight as well, but that’s had to reschedule – maybe that’s another element but its not a reaction I normally have to changes of plans on that front. I’m up to date with my medications, and even picked up renewed prescriptions this morning. We spent a fair bit of money in Kingston, but well within my anticipated budget – and there’s also the satisfaction of having both got some great reading material but also sorted out some presents for people’s birthdays and Christmas. I did get a copy of a letter back to my GP saying he hadn’t given the ASD team enough information for them to make a decision, so I feel I’m going to have to do some chasing on that avenue.
In the meantime I’m clenching my feet and fists repeatedly, resisting doing any more scratching (and the stinging now filtering through is also uncomfortable but at least I haven’t broken my skin enough to cause bleeding.
Maybe that’s all that is – a confluence of multiple stresses that has hit some sort of switch and now I want to retreat/withdraw from everything and am panicking because I can’t define it or explain it because my spoken words can’t keep up with the torrent of thoughts, tangents, imagery, and emotional cross-links that are cascading through and ricocheting like bullets inside my brainpan. Its like my whole body wants to scream but using my voice won’t be enough.
This is very uncomfortable – but I do feel better for being able to put this into some way that someone can read – there’s at least this way of communicating even if anything else just freezes. I’m telling myself it will pass. I will find a distraction – I will write more, I will draw, I will put on a game, something.
It will pass.