Another Year

I was just now dozing and the fireworks outside the hotel woke me up. And just for a moment I was back There and my breath caught.

I’m awake now. My eyes are burning, and all the muscles in my neck and shoulders have reknotted. Sleep may come, or it may not. It’s only half past eight in the evening, and it feels a long road to the dawn.

It’s another year from Then. Another victory against Them, and another stretch since one of the semi-colon moments in the sentence of my life.

Tonight in the here and now I’m tired, and exhausted, but I’m still here, and loved, and supported. I feel no urge to flee and end all that. The shocks and flashbacks are… endurable, and they will subside. I’ve had them long enough and understand them enough from counselling to recognise and trudge past them again.

They’ll be back, but so will I. I have too much to live for in my loves and family and friends – even if the black dog does his best to sometimes obscure that. I’m stubborn, diamond-cored from the pressures that got me here, and that’s where we are.

Fireworks

It’s Diwali, and fireworks are in the skies around us, celebrating the Festival of Light. A small gathering with sparklers and fountains was held on the main green outside, and the pictures in our local social media look lovely.

In the meantime I’m twitching and nervy, trying not to cringe in response to the sounds all around, while my body seems intent in remembering old injuries. This is a hard week every year, and it will pass.

I love the visuals of light in the dark, celebrating life and new growth. It’s a healthier celebration than the remembrance and symbolic destruction of a group of attempted murderers, but the memories still cling hard. This year is at least better than last year, partly from just being so stressed at work I’ve barely time for my own traumas.

But each explosion tonight reminds me of the sounds in the skies above the terrified boy in an alley being used and that’s why I’m at home with curtains closed, and not really wanting to be…anything right now.