self-care

Spoons Management

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Yesterday wasn’t a fantastic day – one of being low in energy and mood, and it wasn’t helped by diabetes starting my day with an upset stomach that led to copious vomiting mid-morning. Still, at least when that was done I wasn’t as bloated and queasy and merely had a headache, lethargy, and a general feeling of worthlessness – so a reasonable trade-off I guess.

Part of the low energy and dip in self-esteem came from the enforced distancing and general ill health between us all. A big part of my love language is physical touch with those I’m close with – not necessarily intimately, but just the brush of hands or quick hugs or joking pokes in the ribs that cross the gaps between us and at least in my head remind and reassure of acceptance and comfort. So with Lady M having a bad fibromyalgia day and physical distance from myr s, it was a bad day to be having my brain throw a tantrum on that front.

Then there was just the part where I was physically tired as well as emotionally exhausted. I’ve been doing a lot between preparation for the D&D game, cleaning the house/decluttering, and generally being a supportive and positive person for everyone – and I just needed to collapse for a bit. Being typically introverted however, I’m generally not fantastic at communicating this coherently, which can lead to a bit of a spiral of my own making.

But that was yesterday – and today the sun is out, and we’ve spoken at appropriate distances with neighbours. They’ve all asked how we are doing now from when we’ve posted on local facebook groups about going into isolation. There’s been the affirmation that our experiences are not so different, and that generally people are choosing the positive view of how to deal with these weird times.

I have the game tonight, so I’me doing some minor tweaks and preparation for that, and I’ve started recording some odds and ends for a channel on our discord, telling stories. I’ve even written an experimental new beginning for the book and recorded that:

I think what I may start doing as I transcribe more of my short stories is also do recordings of them too as an ongoing process – partly to get practice in, but also to offer another form of accessibility to people who can’t read easily for whatever reason. It’s another creative form, and one that I hope people enjoy.

Empty Bed

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It’s my second night of having no one in my bed with me. Lady S is at home on the coast, and Lady M is up in town at the Women in Tech conference at the ExCel. She’s apparently a little bemused to be there without being surrounded by cosplayers.

There’s always mildly mixed emotions at times like this. On the one hand there’s the calming reassurance of snuggling up with one or more partners , drifting off while joking about the day or being soppy. On the other hand I have the whole bed to myself and have spent two evenings playing games, watching trashy films, reading and doodling in my own little world.

Being able to enjoy time on my own without my loved ones is healthy and important. I’m comfortable with silence. It gives me time to emotionally recharge for when I see them again.

I did consider going out to the pub, like we regularly used to for #Tuesday, but I honestly didn’t have the mental reserves to deal with noise, heat, and people – and so I opted for self care.

This is huge, not something I necessarily would have allowed myself a few years back. I miss my partners, but I’m enjoying the physical and emotional space too.

Self Care Musings

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Between planned leave and taking time to support Lady M as unplanned leave I seem to have ended up with enough down time for my brain to go sideways without a focus. It’s not unlike the scenario of counting spoons as a marker of mental reserve levels, but coupled with a degree of existential flatness that I choose to believe is a side effect of being present for loved ones and work colleagues alike.

One of the best self-care things that I remind myself to do is not feel guilty about doing very little, because in these moments that is what I need; but it’s not easy – my whole upbringing and history has been based on the value of achievement, so my every instinct is to see sitting and doing nothing as a waste of time rather than of taking time for myself.

I find myself being apologetic if asked what I’ve done and responding that I’ve not done much beyond read, play games, or sketch. I should be cleaning, solving world peace, or inventing sliced bread 2.0 for this time on my own to have significance.

Never mind that my thoughts are with my partners, who have both been or are about to be visiting hospitals for different reasons – or with organisational issues around work that really can wait until I get back because I have peers and staff who can and will deal with anything unexpected in a field that is basically getting books and information in the hands of the right people in a reasonable amount of time.

Never mind that I have had no contact or news from most of my family or friends for a while (since coming out mostly, but I’m sure that’s coincidental because I hear through other channels just how busy their lives have been) – or that we’re nearly at a point to be able to have serious conversations about buying our own place at long last, as long as no one else dies or has anything catastrophic happen in the immediate future.

I worry about the future of my work, about my enthusiasm for writing and cosplay, about my health, about the health of my loved ones, and about how tired I feel all the time at the moment.

But, I am loved, in a huge cloud of support that uplifts and surprises me at every turn – from partners, our metamour, my colleagues, my daughter, friends – and it’s nearly payday, which is a nice bonus.

As ever, I know I’ll be okay, especially when I remember that it’s okay to look after myself so that I can recharge my own batteries to keep the black dog in its kennel.

Blargh

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Its been a bit of a week – mostly just non-stop at the library – and I’m exhausted both mentally and physically.

We’re in the middle of the Summer Reading Challenge, which encourages children to read six books over the summer. It is proving to be surprisingly tiring work, alongside the “business as usual” elements. We ask about what the children have read, give out little prizes, put on craft events, and generally smooth the way with sometimes harried-looking parents when things go wrong (like missing booklets or lost items).

It’s all done with – as best we can – a bright smile and encouragement, but it’s draining. Add to that both staff shortages (because library staff have families and need holidays too), and new people who need training on the job and it should be no wonder that I feel like I’ve been put repeatedly through the wringer.

So of course, with no reserves left, the black dog has got a good grip on me and is doing all the usual lies: that I’m boring, no fun, have no friends, and that everyone would frankly be better off without me.

And yet: I’m making kids smile, and so there’s a thing. The writing will continue, the Instagram posts will flow, the doodling will continue. I’ll post a few here perhaps so I don’t feel guilty about not updating here as much too.

Self care: I’m not very good at it, but I’ll keep at it.

Inspiration All Around

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You might have noticed a few new stories on the blog, and these will continue to come, though I may not post absolutely everything I write under this new challenge. I am also picking back up the novel as well as other odds and ends.

This new activity is inspired, as ever, by what’s going on around me: by friends and family, by my partners and co-workers. This inspiration may not always be happy and sweetness and light though. I am still a grumpy old sod with an eye for the ridiculous in all that surrounds me, so I know that a trying work day is as rich a vein of inspiration for me as conversations in the small hours, or events seen in the street.

Today certainly seems to be inspiring the grumpier side. The details are not important, but I’m reminding myself here that I really don’t need to wind myself up about what might be, or anticipate problems I may not have to deal with.

More directly, looking after myself with proper food and drink is the immediate order of the day. The writing and silliness and joy will follow the self-care.