I Didn’t Mean To Sleep Today Away

I seem to have missed most of today, collapsed on my bed. Ive not been unwell, just exhausted I think.

I woke briefly when Lady M got up this morning full of beans and energy, and then slipped back into sleep cuddling soft toys she’d thoughtfully provided. I got up so we could watch some tv and have a brunch, but then I was just overcome with a deep lassitude.

I suspect its just a result of living off stress and caffeine the last few days and my body and brain getting tired of giving me subtle hints that slowing down for a bit might be a good idea – so my strings were cut and that was that for most of my Sunday.

I must still be running on low batteries as I can hear my bed calling me back even after all that rest – so self-care mode is duly initiated

Running on Empty

In some ways I’ve missed the big old black dog, but he always reappears to sit on my chest sooner or later. I’ve been trying to ignore him. That said, the flat greyness has been gathering the last month or two, taking fuel from anything that might seem to reinforce my general low opinion of myself.

Today I wasn’t working, and if I’m proud of anything it’s that I didn’t head down the pub, or binge eat; I didn’t hide in bed, and I didn’t do anything stupid to damage my health or general body integrity.

What I did do was get some rest, got up and dressed, washed and did grocery shopping. I distracted myself with the XBox; I doodled in a big sketch pad, and I read for a bit. I bought things for Easter, and a birthday present and card for somebody. Then, when Lady M got home, I cooked a meal and we watched Fantastic Beasts on Blu-Ray.

I’m proud that I’ve managed to do all that, because I don’t feel much of anything at the moment. I’m running on empty. I’m too tired and remote to even feel worried about it; and intellectually​ I know I should be quite concerned about that.

Change of Plans

I’ve woken up this morning with, in the words of Mre B, no spoons. 

This is a reference to the imagery of one’s mental reserves being a drawer full of spoons, and as you interact with people or perform tasks you hand those spoons out. When you are out of spoons, you need to rest and recharge.

A geekier version of that theory, now doing the rounds, is based on the magic system in Dungeons and Dragons, and talks of spell slots instead. The idea can be thought of as a straight substitution, or expanded, because in Dungeons & Dragons spell slots can be different levels denoting different complexities.

All this sounds lovely, and does appeal to the geek in me, but it’s far too much effort for daily life – and especially when in a position of having low energy or lacking the capacity to deal with people and situations.

So I’m sticking with spoons, and the lack of them, in my drawer.

Today, this has manifested in our choosing not to drive an eight hour round trip to discuss something relating to our plans for a renewal of vows in five year’s time. 

Instead we’ve slept in and stayed under the covers with the intention of doing very little this morning. The people we were going to meet will call us back about midday and so we can meet that plan with less spoon expenditure, and possibly even some fresh ones back in the drawer 

It’s also why this morning’s story was not a continuation of the steampunk extravaganza. More bits of that will come, but I needed a break for a moment. 

The whole thing will get edited and compiled into a longer piece once the fragments are on the table – and hopefully will help demonstrate some of my writing process for longer pieces.
Right, back to my cuppa and book – currently reading The Copper Promise by Jen Williams, and enjoying it immensely.

Tired

I need a holiday, there’s no two ways about it. Fortunately I only have to make it through next week and I can spin into neutral for a while – but I’m definitely fading.

I can tell this is true by my losing enthusiasm for engaging with people or projects at the moment – or if I do by overcompensating and frankly being a pain. The old joke: “If I haven’t annoyed you yet, don’t worry I’ll get to you soon” is feeling perilously real.

Perhaps I’m projecting a little into that. I hope so, and that it’s just the low ebb I’m feeling at the moment.

I’m Tired

There’s a bone deep lethargy making everything just that little bit too difficult right now, and it is mostly a result of travel and grief. (It was my Grandfather’s funeral on Monday.) As a result I’ve not been blogging, writing, or doing much except travel up and down the country and drive Ladies M and P to distraction. They’ve only occasionally growled back, being themselves busy people, but to them, and anyone else I’ve breezed past or barged through over the last week or so, I’m sorry.

We have had good news this week, most notably in the Charleesi’s results. Her GCSE results came through on Thursday morning, and with an A* in Geography, 6 more As including triple science, and a B in Maths ( her least favourite subject), she’s romped off to enrol at college for A levels in Photography, English Literature, Biology and Geography. Being the perfectionist that she is, she was more irked at missing out on an A* for her English by a couple of points than anything else, but is ecstatic that she’ll never have to study Mathematics again.

Today is my sister-in-law’s wedding, so I’m trying to rest up so that I can be on top form to be an usher, and be a more gracious and outgoing person. I’m sure it’ll be a fantastic day, even if my anxieties are playing merry havoc right now. I’m currently looking out over the Hartlepool Marina, listening to gulls and the gentle lap of water against the dock. It’s quite a gentle way to spend a morning, so there’s a bonus

Weekend of Whut?

Well that was an intense weekend! Saturday was the first day of the 2015 Summer Reading Challenge at the library and I’m glad to report it was busy all day. I even had children queuing up for the doors tonopen so that they could register before heading on to Brownies, sports activities and a variety of Saturday clubs.

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It didn’t let up all day, so the offer of joining Danger for a barbecue after work was enticing on a number of levels – including not having to cook. Lady M and Charleesi met me from work and we stocked up on beers before walking over. We got there eventually (I may have misread the text and walked us to the wrong place first), and a very, very long evening began. It included Moshi Monster throwing, a sprinkler for younger kids, drunken yoga by Lady M, and the realisation that 2.30 am was probably a good time to stop telling stories and walk home.

The Sunday game was marred by hangovers and exhaustion, so we introduced Lady P to the game of Munchkin (which Charleesi eventually won), and then went to a charity concert. The concert was in support of Born Too Soon and featured Sir S, one of our Sunday Hooligans, as he performed three solo operatic pieces (2 in German, 1 in Italian) that just blew us away.

A broken night’s sleep brought me to Monday, with a staffing snafu that had me single-manning the library for the first hour and my increasing reliance on coffee to see me through the day. Only the thought of my Monday gamers pulled me out the other side, and they didn’t disappoint. We ended the session with a confusing number of unicorns within the foul ghoul warrens. I’ll enjoy writing these last two weeks up…

And now, to sleep… Honest…