A New Week

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Right, I’ve had enough of this gruelling entropic grind. This week is going to be better, even if I have to bend the spacetime continuum over my knee and spank it to make it happen. It’s a lovely clarion call to arms, I know, but of course it’s never quite that easy to shake off low moods and disappointments. I may be quite capable of massive acts of self-delusion on occasion but I’m not stupid.

Still, the signs are looking positive. I’ve been able to be a supportive voice for a number of people today – something that’s very difficult on lower ebbs – and had a productive day at work. In large part that has come from saying F**k It to the world and throwing myself into things again. If you’ve not heard of, or read, this amazing little book, then you might find it worth a bit of your time to dip in. I’ve found it very helpful.

We also had a successful D&D session this evening, blending prepared material with fresh insanity and elements plucked from players’ unguarded comments. Secret Agents, check. Adventures on the high seas, check. Missing adventurers, check. Abandoned ruins, check. Unnatural perversions of reality in unexpected places, check. What’s the worst that could happen? They may just find out soon…

So, this week is going to carry on getting better. Today has been a very good start.

Short Weekend

I’m contemplating Monday with a degree of alarm, mostly centred around how quickly it’s arrived back on my doorstep. Today has slipped past and through my fingers, like fine sand. Even though I’ve completed the front page design work mentioned yesterday though, it still feels like a wasted day.

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In part this is fuelled by some small teasing from Lady M about how long I’m taking to wrap up the novel so I can start hawking it round and trying to get an agent. While it was well-meaning, it did tap into some insecurities that the depression has kicked up, and dovetail with an awareness that I haven’t written up this week’s session and hadn’t prepared anything for Monday night’s game.

One anxiety bout later, I did at least manage to prepare some maps and thumbnail sketched some possible sea-borne encounters for my Monday group. As it’s late here now, I’ll just have to write two sessions this week.

Tomorrow also sees week three of the computer basics course that I teach roughly once per quarter. This week is the often gruelling email session, though one person is a whole week behind, so I’m expecting to be a bit wrung through by the end of it. Unfortunately, with such a wide base of aptitudes, skills and experience between my students it’s  proving difficult to judge how quickly they are likely to pick things up. I’m sure I’ve muttered darkly about it before now.

So on the one hand I have people singing my praises about artwork created, adventures provided and customers engaged, and on the other I’m feeling a failure and burden to those around me for not managing to deliver constant awesomeness, being a bit clingy and not focus on what’s important. I’ve even apologised to Lady M for having an anxiety freakout and not being able to explain why.

I know it’s the black dog, that it’s irrational and that I’m being way too hard on myself; it doesn’t seem to make things any easier. I know things will improve, and I’m working to make that happen as best I can, mostly by constantly challenging all the negative ironclad assumptions my miswired brain can throw at me.

The big one right now is the thought that I am essentially unlovable, despite all empirical evidence to the contrary. Might as well go large on the challenges, right?

Ups and Downs

I suddenly seem to be on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster right now, and on reflection it’s largely to do with the imminent restructure at the library. An awful lot of the stresses and insecurities from the last period of job upheaval have bubbled up to the surface, which is a pain, and it’s prompting all kinds of fears that I’m struggling to keep under control.

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Keep Calm and Use the Konami Code

It’s a bit like a game of emotional whack-a-mole: Email received that’s a bit curt? WHACK. Someone suddenly less chatty via messaging? WHACK. Drunken customers preventing closing on time? WHACK. Poorly written restructure documentation? WHACK. Personal electronics misbehaving? WHACK.

Every little thing that normally isn’t an issue is suddenly prompting a catastrophising cascade of fear and panic and self-recrimination and so needs a hefty WHACK of reality check to put it to one side. Frankly, it’s exhausting.

It’s fair to say that it is making me a bit grumpy at the moment. I came a hair’s breath from cancelling last night’s game because I was feeling stressed from a crappy day and feeling I didn’t have enough material prepared.

I didn’t cancel, and we had a good session that has set up a good recurring villain that may become something of a thorn in the group’s side.

So, to anyone who knows me personally, in whatever capacity or emotional context, thank you for bearing with me. Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable, a pain, or taking something completely the wrong way (I will especially appreciate the latter)

Ventmode equals on

Well, I need to vent but at the same time won’t be airing all the dirty linen in public. Suffice to say that I am too angry to sleep and need to be awake in five hours.

T’Other Half is fast asleep and seems to have had an amazing night out. However, having stayed sober in case transportation was needed, and not being able to plan and deliver the romantic meal I’d intended to provide, I feel my evening has been taken a little for granted.

I know it wasn’t deliberate and I know she’s kicking herself too, but it still kicks up all sorts of complex emotions that I’m still trying to quantify.

Maybe I should just start on the caffeine now to get me through work tomorrow and coast through the Demi-Douze event in the evening.

I’m letting off steam of course, and suspect I’ll be fine in the morning.

I’m reminded of the Latin motto we used at our wedding, which roughly translates as “I love you, but sometimes you do piss me off.” This is just one of those occasions.